The Reality Of Being.

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I don’t even have a clue how to start this blog post. What I do know is that I am not alone in what I am dealing with on a daily basis being a new amputee. This blog post started out as a rant against my journey from having two legs to having one leg. As I sit here with my ex fiance, I am struck by what we are doing……not what she is doing but what I am doing with her. I met Shantelle 19 months ago and we got engaged quick, I asked her to marry me as I was being wheeled into surgery for the last of my 3 toe amputations.

I was different back then, more relaxed and at ease. Anyway, what we’re both doing right this minute is watching a live feed of The Jay Eberly Ministries on you tube. Shantelle wanted to attend in person but she is feeling under the weather after spending the day in bed trying to get healthy enough to attend. When first meeting Shantelle I was unaware she was religious, but since then I have realized she is deep in her faith but she does not beat you to death about her beliefs.

I admire that because average everyday Christians, the many I have known in my past, want everyone they pass on the street to know all about their faith. Thats a huge turn off to me.  Let me show you Shantelle……

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The one person on this earth who I love unconditionally and with all my being. Trouble is, I didn’t treat her that way, like she is the one person on this earth I love unconditionally with all my being. Thats why she is my ex fiance, even though we are best friends and she is my favorite person in the entire world.

Let me explain….

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This is me above, a 60 year old diabetic who was diagnosed with diabetes in 2008. I ignored the diabetes diagnoses for 4 years, finally doing what I was told to do in 2012. Hardheaded to say the least. In January of 2019 I had a RBKA which is a right below the knee amputation. I met Shantelle in June of 2018.  Would you believe this special woman nursed me back to health after my amputation, only knowing me for a grand total of 7, thats SEVEN, months?? She did that.

But that is not the entire story….. I had an infection in my foot that progressively got worse, worse to the point that I spent the next 5 months in bed on my back trying things to heal the infection followed by a 2 month waiting period to have the amputation.

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What you see above was me from August 2018 until January 2019. What you see below is me on February 4th, 2019, the day I went home. With Shantelle by my side.

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Long story very short…..I lost my wife and son in 2000 to an auto accident. I lost my grandfather to age in 2004. My grandmother died from neglect in a nursing home in 1989 while I was serving overseas in the us military. I decided I hated god/jesus because they hated me. I was raised up in the baptist church, my grandfather was founder and pastor/minister to one of the biggest and most successful Negro churches in Chicago throughout my youth. I turned my back on religion.

I separated myself from humanity after losing my wife and son, cut myself off from people. Worked, lived and survived but not in any normal way. I avoided all relationships with females that could have resulted in a relationship. I was a hermit. Just not wealthy like Howard Hughes. Now what happened to me as a result of this seclusion from humanity which ran for 10 years until meeting Shantelle in June of 2018 was I became antisocial. I lost all my skills as a human, to communicate with Shantelle….as a human should.

I realized Shantelle was sent to me by God/Jesus. I was alone an this infection in my foot hit me as soon as Shantelle and I started seeing one another. I was all alone. I would later realize Shantelle was sent to me for a reason, by the very God/Jesus that I turned my back on 20 years ago. I even went as far as to tell Shantelle this several times during our relationship.

She nursed me.

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Little did I know that the surgery would be a piece of cake. The recovery after the amputation was easy peasy. What messed me up was the poor, unprofessional and incompetent service I received from prosthetic “professionals” who failed to help me become mobile and progress to walking and doing daily activities of life. I was angry, frustrated and mean spirited.

Shantelle was the closest human to me, she was with me every minute of everyday. During this time of frustration and low self esteem and no self worth, I took everything out on the one woman who smiled and I melted, but her smile was gone. I didn’t know I was depressed. I had no idea I was full of anger at the world for my past human losses. I didn’t have a clue I was in a bad mood because for 20 odd years I was alone, never being involved in a relationship that was more that sex.

Shantelle told me about 2 months ago she didn’t want to be engaged to me anymore. She explained to me why. I didn’t hear her for a long time. Then this past week I heard her and heard someone else as well. I won’t say it was God/Jesus because I’m not there yet…but it was something/someone who has guided me and followed my life all my life.

Tonight we are watching this video…..

New Year’s Eve Special Service // December 29, 2019

There is no reason or explanation why I decided to watch/listen to this with Shantelle, who has remained my favorite person in the world and my best friend.

I do not understand faith at this time in my life. I am never going to give up on Shantelle, one day, she will be my wife, I owe her my life, my very existence. I will start to pray to God/Jesus that he allow me to win her love back as never before.

Stay tuned because she was sent into my life for a reason and it was NOT just to save my life, but to improve my heart and soul.

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